Harry Potter Gets a Glimpse of the Real World
by MissManifesto24
Summary: This is my first fanfic. SORRY TO ALL OF MY READERS! It got taken off before, but it should be OK now. So... what happens when you violate fanfiction rules? Even if you didn't really? Three fanfic authors get sent into the first HP book.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello, all of my readers out there! My name is Phishy2. I am generally crazy. This is my first fanfic, so naturally I'm extremely sensitive and not very emotionally secure, so please no flames. If you flame me, I'll get notyouraverageblond or staremerald to reply to it for me.

(Notyouraverageblond and Staremerald: 'Muwahahahahahahaha!)

Sadly (sob) I do not own H.P. But I will someday! You mark my words! Some day, somehow, I will own Harry Pott- oh, well, never mind.

ANYWAY! On with the story!

* * *

Phishy2 tapped a few keys on the keyboard. "Ok," she announced triumphantly, "The best fanfic in the world has just been posted!" 

Her friends Staremerald andNotyouraverageblond yelled, "Hooray!" in unison. As an afterthought, Notyouraverageblond added,"You didn't mess it up, did you?" Phishy2 snorted."Me?" she said. "I never mess anything up. Right?"

Suddenly the sound of crickets chirping filled the air.

"Actually," saidPhishy2,"that was a rhetorical question."

"Anyway! Our fanfic is the best ever!" yelled Staremerald."Yay!"

Notyouraverageblond agreed."That's for sure! Yay!"

"Our story is so good, it makes J.K. Rowling look bad!" screamed Phishy2."Yay!"

There was a silence.

"Well, it's not all that good-" she admitted.

"But it's pretty darn good!"

Notyouraverageblond raised her hand, curled into a triumphant fist."Three cheers for self praise! Hip hip-"

"Hooray!"

"Hip, Hip-"

"Hooray!"

"Hip, hip-"

"Hoo-ray?"

All three fanfic authorswere immediately shut up by the sight of a large, muscular man wearing a Kevlar bullet/ pointy quill proof vest and armed with a scroll of paper, a bundle of pens and a can of prune juice. Hedrank the can of prune juice in one gulp and wiped his mouth on his shirt sleeve. (Hey, no one ever accused him of having good manners...)

"Ah, prune juice!" hesang."So creamy and delicious, and may I say nutritious, tastes just like a squishy purple fruit!"

Phishy2 stared at him. "Ummmm…"

"OK, then..." said Staremerald. "Stepping away from the large muscular man with the prune juice… so creamy and delicious, and may I say nutritious, tastes just like a squishy, purple fruit! God, that's catchy!"

Notyouraverageblond ignored Staremerald. "You came all the way from…" she paused, "wherever you came from just to advertise for prune juice? What a dinostihan." (A/N: sorry, inside joke)

The Large Muscular Man frowned. "Hey!" he shouted. "No inside jokes in a fanfiction!"

"SAYS WHO?" shouted Phishy2 indignantly.

"Well, um…."The Large Muscular Man paused in thought."AT LEAST NONE THAT I'M NOT ON THE INSIDE OF!"

"O.K., then..." said Phishy2 nervously."Just who the heck are you?"

"I," said the Large, Muscular Man proudly, "am the grand supreme grand poobah of all fanfics.("Who?" said Staremerald. Notyouraverageblond shrugged.)I punish people who have violated fanfic rules! Muwahahahaha!"

"And we have violated what rules?"

TheLarge Muscular Man thought about this for a while. "Ummmmmm…. Actually, you haven't done anything bad. But neither has anyone else, and I'm bored. So! As punishment for a crime that you didn't actually commit, you will be sent to a random very strange fan fiction version of Harry Potter 1. Once inside the story, you will just have to live with however the strange and weird author designed the characters and their personality quirks, and you do not get to come out until you've reached the end of the fanfic. Muwahahahahahahaha!"

"Alright, that's it!"saidNotyouraverageblond in an annoyed/slightly disgusted tone of voice."Now I know for sure you're a dinostihan." (A/N: sorry, inside joke)

The Large Muscular Man exploded. (Not literally) "No more inside jokes! Now I'm going to send you to the world of Harry Potter #1."

Staremerald grinned."This is supposed to be a punishment? I'll get to meet Daniel Radcliffe! YAY DANNY!"

"By the way," said the Large MuscularMan inan annoyed/slightly disgusted tone of voice, "the real Harry Potter is not Daniel Radcliffe."

"WAAAAHHHH!" wailed Staremerald.

"Oh, who cares?" said Phishy2, as the third person in this chapter to speak in an annoyed/slightly disgusted tone of voice. "Hayden Christensen is SO much hotter."

"Back to our previous topic!" shouted the Large Muscular Man."I am sending you now! Remember to always drink your prune juice! So creamy and delicious, and may I say nutritious, tastes just like a squishy, purple fruit! POOF!"

* * *

That's the end of Chapter One! More to come, and soon! 


	2. Chapter 2

Hello! Chapter two is going up at last! Yippee!

If you didn't drink prune juice before you read this, just remember to drink it next time! Ah, prune juice… so creamy and delicious, and may I say nutritious, tastes just like a squishy purple fruit!

I'm not writing this chapter in chat style, just so you know! Kay?

Enjoy the chappie!

* * *

Phishy2, notyouraverageblond and staremerald were sent swirling through a giant vortex of space and time. They screamed in terror as they hurtled up, down, sideways and diagonally. Suddenly, they stopped, and fell through the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" they all screamed as they hurtled downwards. Phishy2 and notyouraverageblond landed with a plop in a huge snowdrift. Staremerald was not so lucky. She landed in the cold, arctic water. "Blaugh!" she sputtered. "This is _cold!_"

"I really couldn't care less," said notyouraverageblond. "Especially since I didn't land in freezing cold water."

"Hang on a tick," said Phishy2, "This isn't Hogwarts! Where are we?"

"Puffin Land!" exclaimed the Large Muscular Man, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. "I just wanted to take the scenic tour."

"W-w-well, g-gee, thanks," said staremerald sarcastically.

"OK, off we go again!" said the Large Muscular Man.

Phishy2, notyouraverageblond and staremerald were sent swirling through a giant vortex of space and time. They screamed in terror as they hurtled up, down, sideways and diagonally. Suddenly, they stopped, and fell through the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" they all screamed as they hurtled downwards. "Déjà vu!" Phishy2 and notyouraverageblond landed with a thud in a small rowboat. Again, staremerald was not so lucky. She landed in the cold, lake water. "Blaugh!" she sputtered. "How come I always land in the water?"

"Gee, I don't know," said Phishy2. "Life is funny that way, isn't it?"

Suddenly, a long, slimy tentacle grabbed staremerald around the waist and dumped her in the little rowboat.

"Was that the giant squid?" said notyouraverageblond.

"Must've been, because I got tentacle marks on my shirt."

"Uh, who are you?" For the first time, the three authors noticed that there were other people in the boat. The one who had spoken was a skinny boy with messy black hair and a peculiar scar on his forehead. Sitting beside him were a boy with red hair and freckles and a girl with wavy, mouse-brown hair. The fanfic authors looked at each other and smiled.

"I think we've arrived," said Phishy2.

* * *

Ok, I know this was short so don't bite my head off about it:) 


	3. Chapter 3

Hey! Chapter 3 up! enjoy!

Kudos to Notyouraverageblond for The Talk!

* * *

Harry, Ron and Hermione were staring at the three fanfic authors as if they were three fanfic authors who'd suddenly landed in their boat (which they were, but never mind).

"Um… who are you?" asked Harry.

"OMIGOD! YOU LOOK JUST LIKE I IMAGINED YOU! I'M SO HAPPY!" screamed notyouraverageblond.

Staremerald pouted. "Well, I'm not," she said. "You don't look anything like Daniel Radcliffe. Well, I mean, you sort of do, but you're not as cute."

Ron looked very confused. "Who's Daniel Radcliffe?" he asked. "And does he really look like Harry?"

"A really stupid guy who staremerald has the biggest crush on," replied Phishy2. "Yeah, he sort of looks like Harry, but not that much."

"I'm Hermione Granger," said Hermione.

"We know," said the authors simultaneously.

"You do? But I've never met you before…"

Once again the Golden Trio sat staring at the authors with confused expressions on their faces. Notyouraverageblond felt that some sort of explanation was needed.

"Well, the only reason we're here is because we're being punished because we violated fanfiction rules only we didn't really and this Large Muscular Man with a can of Prune juice came and he kept on singing about how prune juice was so creamy and delicious and may I say nutritious tastes just like a squishy purple fruit and all that and then he accidentally sent us to Puffin Land where they make prune juice and staremerald landed in the freezing arctic water and then he sent us here and staremerald landed in the lake and we landed in the boat and the giant squid pushed her back in and then we introduced ourselves, and well, here we are!" She looked around expectantly. Now, it wasn't just the Golden Trio that was staring at her- Phishy2 and staremerald were also looking at her as if she'd grown extra arms. Hermione sighed. "I didn't get a word of that," she said, "but never mind."

Harry looked heavenward. "Of course, I got every word." he bragged. " I just didn't understand any of it. But who cares? I'm still gorgeous and perfect." Staremerald looked him up and down. "Yeah, you're hot," she said, "just not as hot as Danny."

Ron pulled back his black robes suddenly. For about ten seconds all three authors were blinded. "What was that?" asked Phishy2 weakly.

"I dunno," said Ron, "but check out my shirt! It's PINK! My pants are PINK too! And my belt! and my shoes! and my socks! and my-" Hermione interrupted him. "That's very nice, Ron." In an undertone to Notyouraverageblond, she said, "Don't mind them. They have these weird personality quirks. Harry believes he's perfect, and Ron loves pink." She smoothed back her bronze colored hair. "Now," she said, suddenly bussinesslike. "Do you enjoy eating vegetables?" Notyouraverageblond was rather taken aback by this question. "Ummm..." she replied, "they're not my favorite, but they're ok, yeah."

Hermione was suddenly furious. "HOW DARE YOU!" she screamed, "HOW DARE YOU EAT INNOCENT LITTLE PLANTS WHO CAN'T FEND FOR THEMSELVES?"

"Well, I uh-"

"WELL NOTHING! EATING ANIMALS IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE, BUT POOR LITTLE PLANTS? AARGH!" She flopped down into the bottom of the boat, apparently worn out by this statement. "Vegetarians make me sick," she snarled, "with their talk of 'animal rights' and their ceaseless veggie consuming! Well, what about 'vegetable rights', huh? Plants have feelings, too, you know! And they're much more civilised than animals. Plants don't chew your new shoes! Plants don't attack you! PLANTS," she screamed, "DON'T LEAVE CRAP ALL OVER THE FRICKIN' ROAD..." Just then, the boats stopped at the dock. Harry was immediately surrounded by lovestruck girls, Ron ran over to smell some pink flowers, and Hermione went to scream at a girl wearing a 'Go Veggie!' shirt.

"This is awful!" groaned Staremerald. "Why us?"

"Because you violated fanfic rules," said the Large Muscular Man calmly. All three authors stared at him.

"Where did you come from?" asked Phishy2, confused.

"Well, you see, Phishy2, when a Large Muscular Mommy and a Large Muscular Daddy love each other very much-"

"Too much information!" shouted Notyouraverageblond.

* * *

You know the drill... read and review... 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Welcome to Hogwarts!

Enjoy the chappie!

* * *

Phishy2, Staremerald, Notyouraverageblond and the Large Muscular Man made their way up the path towards Hogwarts Castle.

"Well, this sucks," said Phishy2. "Not only do we have to put up with their weirdo personality quirks, we also can't leave this weirdo fanfic until it's over!"

"Yeah," agreed Staremerald. "What happens if the fanfic isn't finished yet?"

"It could take months for the weirdo author to update!" panicked Notyouraverageblond.

"Oh, do shut up," said the Large Muscular Man. "The story is finished, so you can quit worrying about that part of your fate. Geez, I should have picked someone more interesting to torture."

"YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE!" shouted Staremerald. "THEN AT LEAST WE WOULDN'T BE STUCK HERE WITH THESE WEIRDO CHARACTERS WITH THEIR WEIRDO PERSONALITY QUIRKS AND YOU GOING ON ABOUT PRUNE JUICE ALL THE TIME!"

"Ah, prune juice-" began the Large Muscular Man.

"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY, YOU DINOSTIHAN!" screamed Notyouraverageblond. (A/N: sorry, inside joke!)

The Large Muscular Man lost his temper. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?" he yelled. "NO INSIDE JOKES THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"OKAY!" shouted Phishy2. "Now, if you've quite finished shouting, screaming and yelling, just calm down for a second. Large Muscular Man, you can go now, because you're annoying and causing a distraction."

"Humph!" snorted the Large Muscular Man. With a POOF, he disappeared.

"Right," said Phishy2, turning to her fellow authors. "Let's just keep going, so we can get this over with quickly, okay?" Staremerald sighed. Notyouraverageblond looked grumpy. But they had to agree with Phishy2's logic. Because she was right. Not that she was ever otherwise, but, you know… (A/N: Hee hee!)

They followed the other first years into a small room. They were all very cramped. Staremerald nudged the other two, and pointed. Phishy2 and Notyouraverageblond saw a boy with skin the color of milk and blonde hair. He had flint- grey eyes. He wore robes that were very well made, and a sneer played on his face. He was facing Harry. His name was Draco Malfoy.

"So, it's true then, isn't it?" he said. "Harry Potter has finally arrived at Hogwarts. You're said to be cute, hot, and destined to have your own pull out poster in Cosmo Girl."

"That's right!" shouted all the girls in the room except Phishy2 and Notyouraverageblond. Staremerald shouted the loudest.

"Oh yeah?" sneered Malfoy. "Well, ladies, I just want you all to know that I'm cuter, hotter and destined to have my own pull out poster in Cosmo Girl, Seventeen _and_ J-14."

"Yeah, right!" shouted all the girls in the room except Pansy Parkinson. (What a bi-otch!)

"Malfoy," said Harry gently, "please try to use your minute brain to understand common sense. I'm perfect. Always have been, always will be. Also, I am not only the hottest, cutest, and most destined to have my own pull out poster in every single woman's magazine ever created, but everyone knows it as well."

Just then, Professor McGonagall entered the room, breaking up their argument over which boy was hotter. "Welcome to Hogwarts Castle I'm a cute little gopher! The sorting hat is about to begin I'm a cute little gopher! Don't ask me why I finish every sentence with 'I'm a cute little gopher' I'm a cute little gopher! I just do I'm a cute little gopher! I guess I just have this weird personality quirk I'm a cute little gopher!"

Phishy2, Notyouraverageblond and Staremerald looked at each other and screamed so loud that all of the windows shattered.

"HEY I'm a cute little gopher!" shouted Professor McGonagall. "_Reparo _I'm a cute little gopher. Now, what is the matter I'm a cute little gopher?"

"We're very sorry," said Notyouraverageblond. "We're just not used to weird personality quirks. Where we come from, not that many people have personality quirks, not really distinctive ones, anyway."

"Well, except for some of our teachers," said Phishy2, "not mentioning any names… cough,cough,mr.neville,cough,cough,dr.c,cough,cough,cough."

"Gosh, Phishy2," said Staremerald in a worried tone, "That's a pretty bad cough you have. Do you want a cough drop?"

"No thank you," replied Phishy2. "I'm good."

"Cough drops!" screeched Hermione. "Don't you know that cough drops are made from **_various types of plants?"_**

"Uh, oh," whispered Notyouraverageblond. The proverbial bacon of Phishy2 was saved, however, because just then, the great oak doors behind them creaked open, revealing the Great Hall.


	5. Chapter 5

Heeello! The fabulous author is back! Go door to door selling cookies shaped like my head in celebration! WOOHOO!

Ahem.

So you didn't need to hear that! I don't care!

Just becuz I'm nice, I'm making this an extra special, fantabulous extra chunky extra long chapter! Yay!

REVIEWERS

thatpersonfromlondonyouknow: 'Ello, 'ello! 'Ow's loif in good ol' London, eh? Teehee... sorry, I'm on a sugar high. - Tanks for the review!

Mandarb and Sawa the Internet Detective: I know... when I first met her, I thought she was going to be normal too. I guess not. Ce la vie...

Randomised: Boy am I glad you remembered it. Loads of ppl who used to review mine now aren't because it got taken down and now no one can find it anymore! >:-(

And now, on with the fic!

A/N: For the sorting, I'm not going to give the authors' last names, because then they'd kill me!

* * *

_Creak..._

The doors opened to reveal a room so large, three cathedrals could easily have fit inside. The ceiling was charmed to look like the night sky, and there stood in the center of the room four immense longtables (plus a smaller one at the end of the room). Almost four hundred heads swiveled around as the oak doors swung open, and stared at Phishy2, notyouraverageblond and staremerald.

So of course, they did the only thing they could do:

Stare right back.

"Oh. My. God." said staremerald, so quietly that only Phishy2 and notyouraverageblond heard her.

At the far end of the room, a tall, white-bearded figure stood. It was clear that he was incredibly powerful- indeed, the air around him seemed electrified by his presense.

His name, as everyone has probably (unless they are incredibly dense) guessed, was Albus Dumbledore.

"Richard Harris really didn't do him credit, did he?" whispered notyouraverageblond. Phishy2 nodded in agreement and was about to reply, but Professor McGonagall chose that moment to explain the sorting ceremony.

"Your names will be called out, and you will step up to that stool there," she indicated a short stool on which was sat a torn, patched and dirty hat, "And you will place the Sorting Hat upon your hat and you will be sorted, I'm a cute little gopher." The first years were now looking at the hat with a mixture of fear, confusion, interest and-in the case of the three fanfic authors- impatience.

"Yes, yes, we know," said Phishy2 impatiently. "Can we please get this over with?"

Suddenly a rip at the brim of the hat opened wide like a mouth and began singing.

_"Oh, you may think I'm pretty,_

_But don't judge on what you see,_

_I'll eat -er- someone else's hat if you can find_

_A more annoying hat than me._

_You can keep your bowlers black,_

_Your top hats sleek and tall,_

_For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_

_And I'm most irritating of all._

_There's no dirty secret in your head _

_The Sorting Hat can't see,_

_So try me on and I will tell you _

_Where you ought to be. (Margin of error extends to 99 percent)_

_You might belong in Gryffindor,_

_Where dwell the vain in heart,_

_Their pink obsession and love of meat_

_Set Gryffindors apart;_

_Or perhaps in Slytherin_

_You'll make your real friends,_

_Those loser peeps are wannabees_

_Who meet untimely ends._

_All those of you who will be put _

_In the other houses two,_

_Won't be important to the plot._

_'Till next year, toodledoo!"_

A smattering of applause came from the Teachers' table. All the students seemed to be stunned at being dissed by a talking hat.

"Note to self, I'm a cute little gopher," said McGonagall. "Remind Dumbledore to buy new magic batteries for that old rag, I'm a cute little gopher." She cleared her throat and started reading out the list.

"Abbot, Hannah, I'm a cute little gopher!" Looking terrified, a blonde girl with a round face stepped up and gingerly placed the Sorting Hat upon her head. It rested there for a minute, before calling out, "Hufflepuff!" She ran over to the long table closest to the wall and was immediately set upon with welcoming handshakes and noogies.

"Bones, Susan, I'm a cute little gopher!"

"Hufflepuff!"

"Boot, Terry, I'm a cute little gopher!"

"Ravenclaw!"

On and on the list went, until the first of the three fanfic authors was called.

"Notyouraverageblond, I'm a cute little gopher!"

Notyouraverageblond stood, terrified, rooted to the spot. Phishy2 and staremerald whispered word of encouragement to her, like "Don't worry, you'll be fine," and "You're not going to get put in Slytherin." Finally, gulping, she walked up to the stool, trembling every step of the way. She sat down and put the Sorting Hat on her head. Suddenly, she jumped. It was as if someone was whispering in her ear.

_"Well, now,"_said the voice, _"Let's see... smart... funny...obsession with cows, chinchillas and annoying songs... GRYFFINDOR!"_

The last word was shouted out to the whole Hall. Notyouraverageblond looked extremely relieved and went to sit at the Gryffindor table among cheers and applause.

A few minutes later...

"Staremerald, I'm a cute little gopher!"

"What?" whispered Phishy2, sounding alarmed. "It's supposed to be in alphabetical order! I should have come before you! What if my name's not on the list!"

"Don't worry," said Staremerald reasurringly. "They probably just forgot." She skipped up to the platform. The hat had barely touched her head when it shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!" Staremerald made her way to the Gryffindor table.

Phishy2 waited. What if there'd been a mistake? But then, much to her relief, McGonagall shouted,"Phishy2!"

Phishy2 slowly walked up to the stool and placed the hat on her head.

_"Aha.. oh, it's clear where you should go... SLYTHERIN!" _

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!" wailed Phishy2.

_"Oh, shut up, I was only kidding," _snapped the hat. _"GRYFFINDOR!"_

Phishy2 stomped over to the Gryffindor table where Staremerald and Notyouraverageblond were waiting. "Well, that was surreal," she said.

During the feast, they met Fred and George, both with obsessions over frogs, Parvati and Lavender, who, despite their mutual love of Usher seemed pretty cool, and a bunch of other characters besides.

Later, having stuffed themselves and feeling ready to go to bed and stay there for the rest of eternity, they headed to the dormitories.

"Wow, this place is really nice," said Staremerald, stating the obvious. The room was filled with plush pillows, soft beds, TVs, computers and free bath products. "I bet the boys dorms aren't as good as this."

"And look at this!" exclaimed Hermione. "These pillows aren't even made from plant matter! It's all synthetic!"

"Wow, they even have the 'Green Day' issue of Teen People!" said Phishy2.

"Hey, let me see that!" Notyouraverageblond yelled. She grabbed it out of Phishy2's hands. "They are sooo hot!" she squealed.

"Hang on-" said Staremerald, "What's with the TVs and computers? They're not magical, what are they doing here?"

"They ARE magical, as a matter of fact," saida tall, red-haired girl, stepping out from her hiding place behind the curtains. "The TVs have Magicable, and the computers come with high-speed Magicnet."

"Who are you, and do you eat Vegetables?" asked Hermione.

"Oh! I'm sorry," the girl apologized. "I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Chelsea Harriset, and I'm the Gryffindor Girls leader for this year."

"What's that?" asked notyouraverageblond.

"Basically, I just make sure everyone gets to bed whenever they want to go to bed, eat whatever kind of foods they want, including a strict Snickers diet, and make sure that all pranks get approved first."

"Sweet," said Phishy2. "Erm, who are they, and what are they doing with those non-plant-matter-synthetic pillows?"

"They are my friends, Emma Doughty, Gillian Wartsbarrow, Dove Fletcher, and Violet Arrowood."

"Ah."

"And as for the pillows, they're the reason we came down here. It's time for the gryffindor girls WELCOMING PILLOW FIGHT!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed all the girls.

* * *

Weell, that's it! YOu know the drill- R&R! 


End file.
